I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I could kill or cry at the drop of a hat. I've eaten my weight in chocolate in the past five days and don't really care. Except I do, just not when I'm eating it.
My PMS has come and gone. My period has come and gone. And yet, my mood is still here. Black. Dark. Cranky. Miserable. Sad. That's me.
Work has been rough. I'm feeling disenchanted, like I haven't made a difference in my two plus years.
People are annoying me.
The dog is waking me up at 3am to go out and 4am to eat.
But all of those things have happened before -- and I've never been in this foul of a mood.
And then tonight, as I was getting out of the shower, I broke down. Finally. I needed a good cry and finally got it. The poor dog was scared -- he had never seen my cry like that and he cried along with me. This is one area where the cat is definitely the tougher of the species. Casey knew what to do when I cried. Casey was the strong one. Tonight, I ended up being the strong one for Bernie and didn't get to cry nearly as much as I wanted to.
But it hit me as I was crying. A very dear friend is going through IVF. I even reread part of my blog last night -- another contributor to my mood I'm sure. But it hit me tonight. It's not that she's going through it and reminding me of all I went through.
It's going to be the outcome. I'm scared. Scared for her, but more scared for me. I need her to get pregnant. I need this to be a success. I want her to succeed and get pregnant and carry to term and have a healthy baby. All of the the things I couldn't do, all the things my body failed at. My fragility is tied to her IVF cycle.
And once I had that conscious thought, once I realized what had been weighing me down, I felt lighter (except for the aforementioned bag of Dove mints and dark chocolate kisses in my belly).
I know I have no control over her body -- no more than I had over mine. I can be supportive. I can tell her what to expect. I can help her get through the disappointment of her cycle being cancelled this month because of abnormal hormone levels. And knowing that is half the battle.
Tonight, hopefully I will be able to fall back to sleep immediately after taking the dog out at 3am. Will be able to forcefully tell him to lay down at 4am -- and he will for another hour -- and will go right back to sleep. I need a good night's sleep. I need my mind to shut off, because for the past week, I've stayed awake since 3am, tossing, turning and thinking. Three of the very worst things you can do when you're supposed to be asleep.
So tonight, there will be sleep.
And tomorrow there will be good, clean healthy eating. So much so that I am going to bore you to tears and not only use myFitnessPal tomorrow, but also record my food here. And probably the next day.
A prayer for my girl who is dealing with the disappointment of a cancelled cycle. So many hopes and then just like that, nope gotta wait until next month. Sigh....I remember those updates, that news was as bad a negative test because it meant the same thing. It meant, I'm not pregnant this month.
And so while she won't be pregnant this month, she could be next month. And while I'm not going to lose all the weight I've gained in the past week in one day, I can do something about it tomorrow.
No more wallowing. Maybe some more crying. And being good to myself again.