Monday, April 20, 2015

Wrapping up 44, welcome to 45

I bought a new car. I launched a college to a university. I gained 15 pounds (on top of the 10 I gained last year).

That just about wraps up the past few months. Long hours, too many carbohydrates (bread and chocolate), unlimited diet Pepsi's, no significant running or working out other than walking the dog, in the office every Saturday.

And in the end, I somehow pulled out a rebrand of epic proportions. The logo stayed secret until the big reveal. Highway signs were changed a few days before the official launch. Gateway signage was installed and wrapped until the big day. Banners are up. Signs are up. T-shirts were given away.

And then I turned 45 and reality kicked me in the ass. I started year 45 (or is it my 46th year…I always get that confused) with a three-day refresh, ate healthy the rest of the week and lost nearly 10 pounds.

So what? So I'm back to where I was at the beginning of the year. At 4am Saturday morning, I emailed my friend who owns the gym I used to go to and told her I wanted to come back.

I kind of feel like a failure, but I also realized that I needed to do this. I'm not happy with the way I look and that's effecting more than I realized. It wasn't just being over whelmed at work, it was the whole "I hate my body" come to the surface again. And it could have been pretty easy to continue to eat, to continue to drink my diet Pepsi's and yo-yo the same five pounds. It's how I've pretty much spent my entire life, so why not?

Because two years ago I was brilliantly happy and I want that back. I want to look like that girl up on the banner to the right. That's a happy girl, not stick thin, but healthy with a positive body image.

So tonight I'll feel like a failure, I amy even feel ashamed or embarrassed walking through the doors tomorrow night, but hopefully when I walk out, it's the first night of finding me again.