I am lucky. I know that. But it's nice to be reminded of how much love and support I have around me, and never has been more evident than the past week.
My niece has texted me everyday just to check on me. I've gotten cards in the mail, comments on my blog, emails in my inbox, phone calls from places far and near, and hugs at work.
My parents met me at my house with donuts when I got back from New Jersey. And later that evening, a friend from work came over with her pannini maker and a cooler full of cheese and meats for yummy sandwiches, the fixings for a salad, a bag of frozen sweet potato fries, and a pan of brownies.
Some of the best advice I got was from another prospective adoptive parent whom I've never met. She read my blog after a friend forwarded to her. She had just been through a similar situation. "Take time to comfort yourself even if it's not the healthiest way...but also find ways to comfort yourself in healthy ways, like walking, running or hitting a punching bag."
Nice to know I'm on the right track. I had macaroni & cheese from Panera on Monday, lunch with two girlfriends; and then Cold Stone Creamery for dinner that night with another friend. I did manage to get to the gym in between. Tuesday, I went to the movies with another friend and had popcorn for lunch. And then although Wednesday I went back to work and my normal gym routine, I've eaten a lot of m&m's. I'm giving myself through the Super Bowl to enjoy comfort food, and then much beyond that will piss me off when I step on the scale.
Lesley, who dried many tears on Friday night, texted me on Sunday: "Remember life is kinda like the World Series...it's the best of seven. So you're down but there are plenty of games left!"
From my 7-year-old great-nephew, when he heard my niece and her husband talking about it, "she can't give up. She has to keep going."
And then from another Baltimore friend, about my reluctance, ambivalence, confusion over whether to move forward with Debbie: "Just a thought or two. You are right about questioning the lawyer situation. Once the rawness of the situation has settled, it should be something to address. I just ask you to consider a couple of things: how long have you been with Debbie? You are right about how difficult it can be to start with a new lawyer. Has she let you down in other situations before? I am assuming this situation was a first, but in other smaller incidents, any uneasy feelings with Debbie? And what I gathered from your blog, Debbie wasn’t the only person fooled by this mother. Didn’t the social worker also feel that the adoption was happening?"
It was nice to hear that somewhat neutral perspective from someone, because right now everyone's so raw, so angry, so completely wanting to blame someone, that I haven't heard something neutral, nor have I been able to think along those lines.
And so I'm taking a break right now, focusing on me, getting back into my routine, doing good things for me, and at some point, I will figure out what to do, figure out how and when to move forward.
And as I was reminded, that if doubt ever hits me once I continue this path, I should re-read the quote that I have as my email signature.
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.