Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Life without Sense

I want life to make sense again. I don't know how that looks and what it means, I just want to know that I will get through the day without crying, or without feeling like I will hate people for no reason. I want to know how I will react to my friends' happy lives.

I have friends adopting, friends in the early stages of love and friends expecting. I'm listening happily, oohing and aahing, making baby blankets and planning showers. Some might say that I should be distancing myself from some of this, but honestly as much as it hurts to be involved, it would hurt twice as much to not be involved.

I want know that my friend gets butterflies whenever she say her new guy's name. After feeling I lived through every moment of the frustrations related first to Ethiopia and then switching to China, I absolutely want to hear every detail from the moment she laid eyes on her cherubic face to this past second. I want to know about the amnio and the ultrasound. I want to know about morning sickness and weight gain.

These are the things that make sense. Unfortunately, they aren't my life. My life doesn't make sense. I'm not in love, I'm not pregnant, I'm not even close to having a baby. I still haven't unpacked from my misadventure in New Jersey, can barely open the door to the baby's room.

But I'm hoping that the feeling of things making sense in other people's lives with start to rub off on me. And someday, things in my life will start to feel like they make sense.

2 comments:

  1. laurie - i know exactly what you mean about this. and about not unpacking... or opening that door. just know that i am praying for you. and i know what that particular thing feels like. and i can promise it gets easier...

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  2. sandy salt lake cityFebruary 13, 2012 at 11:46 AM

    laurie life can suck, but it will get easier just stay true to yourself and lean on your family and friends.
    take a littel joy each day and soon joy will be better than it is now
    prayers are with you

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