In my Time Hop, I saw that three or four years ago I boycotted Facebook for the first week of school. I just couldn't handle all the first day of school pictures when I was so desperate to have a baby of my own.
Time has healed most wounds, although there are moments that sneak up on me. They come out of nowhere and surprise the shit out of me when they happen. It could be someone telling me that she's expecting, it could be someone asking me if I have kids.
Earlier this week when I was showing a picture of my great-nephews to a friend, someone else in the room asked if they were my kids. It annoyed me -- more because this person annoys me, in general, but also because of the presumption. If I've learned anything from this childless existence, it's that you don't ask people if they have kids or presume the pictures on their phone or on their desk are their kids. "Oh, they're cute. Who are they?" That's the appropriate response.
And maybe I'm not being fair. Her question wasn't insensitive, it's just that maybe I'm overly sensitive.
There's no maybe about it. I know what date is coming up next week and in the span of a few hours yesterday, I saw a friend and former co-worker post pictures of her son's first day of kindergarten pictures and then my niece posted pictures of my great-niece's first day of kindergarten. Duncan was born in October, Lauren was born in July. And my baby should have been born in September.
Regardless of whether I carried a boy or a girl for those eight weeks, I have two constant reminders of how big my child would be, how he or she would be developing. And most times when I see pictures of Duncan or Lauren, I don't make that connection.
Yesterday, it bitch-slapped me. If I hadn't miscarried, that baby would be starting kindergarten this week. I texted Jill, who knew immediately what was going on and what to say.
"You will have more of those moments. You are such a caring and thoughtful person and at times like these, it works against you!"
And so, maybe I should have taken my own advice from a few years ago and boycotted Facebook this week. I'm thinking Halloween will be a good time to take a social media break.