11

I started writing this a few days early.

Actually, I have always started writing each monthly milestone post a little early, mostly in anticipation of the upcoming milestone that would be one month closer to the end goal.

This month, I'm not sure how I'm feeling about this month's milestone. I'm a month away from a year on the waiting list, and at times, it feels like the 11 months I've put into this so far doesn't have the same impact as "11 months" sounded 11 months ago.

So sure I'm one month closer to the end goal -- the issue is I have no idea when the end goal is. In fact, I fully anticipate getting an update from my placement agency within the next few months that will give an update on the estimated wait time and that the wait time will once again be extended.

And so I'm looking into other options. I've made phone calls, I've crunched numbers, I've thrown my hands in the air and was ready to give up with the next back-up plan, only to do more thinking and realize that there is a part of me that feels good about this.

Last February, I gave up my "dual" tracking ways -- rid myself of fertility treatments and all that came with it. A little more than a year later, I am close to being back on the dual track: Ethiopia and domestic adoption.

There was a time, when I was taking my temperature every morning and sticking needles in my stomach and drinking black-strap molasses every morning, that I thought I could never afford adoption.

And then, when faced with adoption as my only option, I realized that I could figure it out. I might not know exactly where every dollar was coming from and how it would be accounted, but in the end, I'd figure it out and I'd be able to do it.

And there was a time, when I explored the limited countries open to me as a single woman, that I thought I could not afford domestic adoption. Within the last few months, when faced with uncertainty in Ethiopia, I realized -- or I am coming to realize -- that I do not know where every dollar is coming from or how it will be accounted for, but in the end I'll figure it out.

And I will be able to do it. Whatever "it" is.

And so with that, the countdown continues -- 11 months down.....and we'll just leave it at that.