Resolve

I usually get all nostalgic about the next year of my life on the night before my birthday. Since that's four months away, and everyone else seems to making resolutions, here goes:

*Gym....at least four times a week (I know once campus re-opens, it will be at least five, but since I haven't worked out since before Thanksgiving, before my work trip, before getting sick, I'll start slow)
* Lose the other half of the "baby" weight and then some
* Be more positive
* And for anyone who knows me, and knows what a picky eater I am, you'll appreciate this one....eat at least one veggie a day (I'll need to set good habits for my kid, right?)

Happy new year!

December winner

Ryan W. of Hastings NY, my sweet 6-year-old great-nephew, which really means my niece wins the blanket and I will get Ryan a Lego-something-or-other for him :)

Thanks to all who have purchased tickets so far. I'm really excited about the next six drawings.

Ghost of Christmas Past

Every once in a while something reminds me of the baby I lost. This time, it was Christmas Eve and I was at mass, walking up to communion. At the very moment that I remembered Christmas Eve mass two years ago with Lesley, asking the bishop to bless me because I might be pregnant (I was), I looked down and saw the sweet face of a red-headed baby.

I bit my lip, uttered out my "amen" as I received communion and tried like hell not to cry. Eyes welled, I looked up and blinked furiously. All around me were babies. And two years ago, there was a baby growing inside of me.

These holidays are not my favorite time of year anyway. The lead-up, the anticipation -- love it. Love to shop, love to decorate, love the music and the movies. The actual day, I could honestly sleep through.

If you're single and/or childless, and live in a family and/or society that expects you to get married, raise a family, and revel in all of that....then add in the holidays, when said family/society gathers to celebrate it all....well, you get my point.

I'm hoping that I'll have a referral by next Christmas -- it's a long shot, but something to hold out hope for -- and then maybe I'll finally be able to enjoy the holidays. And while I'll never forget the baby that grew inside of me, beginning the day before Christmas Eve two years ago, I'm hopeful that a new baby, my baby who may already exist on the other side of the world, will fill the hole in my heart and help me focus on Christmas Present.

Merry Christmas Eve

While I'm not overly fond of the holidays, I did enjoy driving around after church and dinner tonight to look at the Griswold-like houses near my brother's house.





Merry Christmas, whatever your house-decorating style is.

Seven

months on the waiting list. And my absolute favorite Sesame Street "commercial" from my childhood. (My second favorite? Watch this space next month at this time!)



And we have single digits....9 to 15 months to go!

Weekly Update

As I've mentioned before, I get a weekly update from the placement agency. Last week's was disappointing; this week's more than made up for that.

There were eight referrals for babies under 2 years old -- which puts me eight babies closer to my own. Estimated waiting times are still in the 16- to 22-month range (and that's what I need to still figure on). Actuals for 0-12 month olds are hovering at 20 to 21 months, but the actual wait times for this batch of 13-24 month olds being referred was 15-18 months.

Again, I know I really need to stay thinking about 16 to 22 months for my wait, but as we are a mere 16 days away from 2011, it makes me think that possibly, just possibly, at some point in 2011, I could find out I'm someone's momma.

The two most important raffle tickets I've sold:



They are such good brothers to each other, I can't wait for my nephews to be cousins with my little one.

It's the Little Things...

like a friend squeezing my arm as I walk by her in the hall, not saying anything,

or another sending an email on the 16th, congratulating me on my next month milestone that happens the next day,

or the high school friend who called me this morning for my Capital One account number so she could transfer 30,000 miles to my account,

or the colleague/friend who asked me if it made me sad when I found out other people were pregnant,

or the other high school friend who has so much conviction about what a great mom I'll be, she herself being a a child of color adopted by white parents,

These are the things that make up for those who maybe don't understand or know how to be happy about the biggest thing I am about to do in my life, these are the thing that will get me through the next year and a half.

Grant Update

I got my second grant denial yesterday. Two down, two to go, but I'm not feeling hopeful.

When I applied for all of them, I told myself if I didn't get them that it meant another family needed the money more than I did. It's hard to think that way when I received a form letter in my email:

Thank you for applying for a grant from XXXXX.

Unfortunately, we are not able to grant your request. We received an overwhelming response to our call for applications and had a limited amount of funds to disperse.

Though we understand that it is no consolation for the disappointment you much feel at receiving this news, please know that we are actively working to increase the amount of funds we can grant in the future. Our commitment to helping families grow through adoption only becomes stronger with each letter like this that we must send.

We sincerely wish you all the best as you continue your adoption journey.

Oh well....on to the next thing, I suppose. It did make me feel better to read on their website that they gave grants to a two single mothers as well as a same-sex couple. At least I know (like I suspect with the first grant I didn't get) that my singleness didn't play into it.

Merry Christmas Tree

I put my tree up tonight. My friend Jill came over -- we figured that this was probably our fourth year of celebrating her end-of-November birthday while putting up the tree.

Most years, my tree has mostly sports-themed ornaments on it, plus a few special homemade ones and Casey's ornaments (she gets one each year and I've marked the back with the year). Three years ago I added a silver "wish" ornament from Red Envelope -- you're supposed to write down your wish on a small slip of paper, put it in the ornament and not open it until the following year. Each year, Jill takes the paper out, throws it away and gives me a new slip. Each year, the wish hasn't come true. I think, I'm pushing it a little in writing my wish down for next year, but it's entirely possible that I could have a referral by the time we put the tree up next year. We'll see.



This year's tree (as it was last year) is mostly Yankees and baseball. There are a few exceptions. Casey's ornaments, one each year since I found her in 1998....


...an ornament for Johnny Unitas...


...but mostly Yankees, Babe...


...and lots of Derek.






It's a sickness, I know.

And Casey, enjoying her time on the tree skirt....and knocking over the wise men.

Kind of Maryland, Kind of New York

I am back from my work trip to Atlanta -- it was a great trip albeit very quick. I did the drawing after settling in and turning the heat up :) and my dear friend Sandy O. won the books!

Sandy currently lives in Maryland (so another win for Maryland), but Sandy and I met when we worked together at the Science Center in Rochester (so maybe a half a win for New York?).

In any event, I'm thrilled with the generosity of my friends, who continue to surprise and support this seemingly, never-ending wait of mine.

And speaking of generosity of friends, don't forget to check out the beautiful baby blanket that Claudia hand-knit for the December raffle.

December Raffle

Wow...it's December already. I will do the drawing for November later today when I get home (I'm in Atlanta right now).

The December raffle is a beautiful hand-knit baby blanket, made from Alpaca wool by my friend Claudia (the chicken mom).

The picture isn't doing it justice, but here it is.