Out of the Blue

Have you ever smelled a familiar scent and thought about something? Or heard a song? And suddenly you were overcome with emotion -- either good or bad -- and it took you by surprise?

That happened to me today. We had our annual Halloween parade/party at work today. The children of all of my building co-workers come in and parade around the building, and then we have a party in the conference room for them. I was helping Heather with her two kids, carrying Megan (5 months old).

As I was walking towards the conference room, I saw LiLi and Jordan and my heart broke. (LiLi and Jordan are in foster care, and have been for most of their lives. I had fought, begged and pleaded to be able to adopt them. And for many, many reasons, DSS wouldn't let me. Their mother deserved yet one more chance; they could not be separated from two of their siblings, even though they were separated from three others; and on and on. I wanted these girls so bad, I could actually visualize being their mother.)

Anyway, they were there with their foster mother (one of my co-workers) and I started to cry. I had Megan in my arms, so I couldn't run back to my office like I would have liked. I took a deep breath, and went back in the conference room. And couldn't take my eyes off of them. Until my sight was blurred by my tears.

Sometimes I think about the baby I carried and lost. And sometimes, I think about these two little girls and how I lost them, even though there was never a chance for them to be mine. Fortunately, I also think about the baby waiting for me -- maybe not even born yet -- who will fix my broken heart and make me a mom.