I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or do. There is no manual on how to feel, but I'm getting through each day with lots of support from family and friends, comfort food, and fewer and fewer tears.
I will say that this is worse than the miscarriage in lots of ways, especially knowing when to move forward. At least with the miscarriage, I was "out of the game" until my hormone levels returned to normal. There's nothing to measure here, and honestly I don't know if my heart will ever return to normal.
The bills are also starting to roll in which will inevitably turn my sadness and numbness to anger and bitterness (ugly, ugly emotions that I really hate giving in to).
My attorney's fee were $1332, but she rounded down to an even $1000. I think that is incredibly fair and reasonable, and I appreciate her not adding "insult to injury" as she put it in her email to me.
The agency in NJ, which was to give Takisha her counseling and finalize the adoption, required an $1800 deposit, but given the events of the last week, lowered their rate to $650. On Friday, I stopped payment on the $1800 check. And today, I am finding that $650 figure a joke, and told Rebecca that. My local home study agency found it appalling that the NJ agency was not giving me any sort of support last week while I was in Jersey. That they weren't with me at the hospital. That they weren't in constant contact with me to give me updates. Basically they met with Takisha once, on Thursday, and emailed some documents to me and my local social worker to fill out. Rebecca is going back to them to see if they will lower their price anymore.
And then, of course, there will be Debbie's fees. I will have to pay for Takisha's legal fees. And while I knew this risk going in, I never realized how unfair it would all feel on this side of things. I really need to applaud Takisha on her master manipulation. This was quite the scam. She got to go home with her baby and I got to pay for child care for her toddler while she was in the hospital giving birth. She gets to be a mother to another child she can't afford, and I bought her lunch. Bravo, bitch, bravo!
Yes, I think the bitterness is starting to roll in. Later this week, I will post some of the amazing words of encouragement I have been receiving, just so I can focus on the positive.