Making my heart match my head

The weekend is looming less than it did a week ago. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll take it.

I did three-day refresh in two-days -- by the end of day two, I knew that I had accomplished what I wanted to and just needed to get more calories and protein! in my belly. And I'm slowly beginning to emotionally accept this is my happy weight. I'm there logically, rationally...the heart is bringing up the rear.

One area where I've been struggling with is with one of my trainers at the gym. She was going through rough patch last year with her personal life (like dying parent rough) and so I let it go. When I hurt my ankle last fall and ended up in PT for almost three months, there were (and still are) some ways where I just can't bend my ankle. I just don't have the flexibility on that side and so I modify my lunges. I go on the end of my toes, so there is no bend in my ankle. In the fall, she gave me a "throw up her hands" attitude that the way I was doing was doing me know good.

So I adjusted my schedule (for multiple reasons) and I go at times where she's not my trainer. There are times, though, when I have a session to make up or I have the day off and want to go in the morning. Monday was one of those days and I got some attitude again from her about the way I was doing reverse lunges and the way I was doing some core exercises. When I said, "we made some modifications the other day because of my lower back," she didn't accept it. She had me do it a different way and I must have made a face though I didn't realize it, because suddenly she said, "just do it the way you want."

It's a small gym -- a private studio really. And I'm friends with the owner. I'm only there another few months. I think my year is up in early May and then I think I'm going to try Orange Theory -- it feels like the same sort of thing. Appointment gym. 60 minutes of strength and cardio. One to two days a week.

So what do I do? Passive aggressively avoid this one trainer and enjoy my time there? Say something to the owner? Have a conversation with the trainer? Honestly, I think I only have the energy for the first option, but maybe that'll change.  What I do know if that when I work out with this specific trainer, I don't get that feeling of empowerment that made me so happy that I ended up going back to the gym.

I'm going in tonight, with the trainer I have a better relationship with, so I'll see how i feel after that workout.

My WTF moment of the week

I was talking with a co-worker who was commenting how she was looking at pictures of herself from the the 90s and couldn't believe how much she's aged/gained weight and was looking to start being healthier.

"But we always looked better when we were younger, right?!" she said.

"Actually, this is the best I've ever looked. I weigh 70 pounds less than I did when I graduated from college," I said. "And it's still not good enough."

Somewhere in New Jersey.....

I'm very aware of the calendar, without even looking. It's not in the back of my mind like other dates sometimes are, it's glaring. 

January 24.

Cooper's fourth birthday.

This week has been tough. Exhausting. Miserably cold weather. I've just wanted to sit in the house, under my blanket and eat bread. My workouts have been half-hearted, and even though I got to see one of my most favorite people on Monday, it started my week off my game.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a rep, and from that point on, I'm pulling myself together.

Bernie will be at daycare, so I'll get a good workout in before an evening meeting.

I'm starting three-day refresh on Friday.

Saturday and Monday, I'll hit the gym; Monday, I'll also get a massage.

The date will still be looking the following weekend, but I'm hoping that a weekend taking care of myself is what I need.

Making the choice

I have to remember my own words and remember that I am not living or dying by the number on the scale. Right now, after a few days of munchies (but not binges), I know that I'm up a couple pounds. My clothes still fit me, I'm still able to run, to walk, to lift, and so….so what that the number is up a little? So what indeed. I've been on a diet since I was 8 years old. Literally since I was eight.

And so that habit, that way of thinking, that way of negative self talk is difficult to turn off. But, as the quote above says, I have to realize -- and accept -- that things will happen, shit will happen, life will happen, and I won't be able, or want to, or have to have to eat my 1300 calories, with 50% of them being protein, etc.

This upcoming week will be challenging, but again, it's about living, about making the choice to live, so yes, i will likely have a drink with a friend from Baltimore tomorrow, and maybe even again on Thursday when I have drinks with another friend.  That doesn't mean that I have to throw caution to the wind and eat or drink everything in sight, but it also doesn't mean that I can't enjoy that beer and know that I'll be back on track later in the week.

Good things this week….a great walk with a new friend/ neighbor. We have so much in common and I'm looking forward to getting to know her more. Seeing another neighbor for the first time this year and we both realized how much we missed each other. And football on Saturday and Sunday.

The Biggest Loser

I usually write when I'm down, when I'm weak, when I'm fighting to get back. None of that today. As I wrote (I think) the other day, I'm starting the year at a lower weight than I did last year (by 10+ pounds). I didn't start the year looking for the magic elixir, although I will admit that for every Marie Osmond or Oprah commercial, the thought would briefly cost my mind about trying they knew programs and then I would remember that I have my own that's quite successful, thanks.

I watched the season premiere of The Biggest Loser last night and another first. While I could empathize for sure with the contestants, it was the first time that I watched and realized that I didn't belong on that show. In years past, I would watch and think about what it would be like for me to be on the ranch, in the gym, not being able to run on the treadmill, not being able to keep up with the workouts, needing to lose 25, 50, 75 or more pounds.

[Aside: from the BMI scale, I'm probably still considered obese. Fuck the BMI scale. I will always be a curvy girl. I will never be a size 2. I will never weight 125 pounds.]

And so, knowing that realistically, I would like to lose another 10 pounds, I watched the show last night to remind myself that I don't want to get back to *that* point, that I'm in a (mentally) healthy place. At least for this week. It will always be a struggle. There are too many years of the other kind of thinking, too many years of looking for the magic diet that will work, when all along I should have been looking for something that's not a diet, but a way of life.

It's a leap year

Since I've last written, I've had several bouts of binging, but none too terrible. All seem to only last about a week, at their worst, a day or two, at their best. Each time, I am very aware of how I feel. The fullness. The stomach pains. The pounding chest. It doesn't ever really stop me the next time, but I think what it does, is help me snap back to healthier eating, awareness of what I'm eating and awareness of when I satisfied with food.

As I've written before, the binges  aren't about feeling full. They are not about real,hunger, it's the mouth hunger. I never know what's going to trigger the mouth hunger, and the subsequent binges. And even in the throes of it, or in the immediate aftermath, I sometimes never figure it out. I guess if I could, I could perhaps stop them the next time.

I'm starting the new year strong, at a lower weight than I started last year. And looking to 2016 to figure out the last five or 10 pounds -- or not -- and being satisfied, happy even, with maintaining about where I am. This weight feels comfortable, most of the time. It certainly feels manageable and maintainable, but in a world of constant dieting, of constantly trying to be thin, can I b satisfied, can I be happy here?

I don't know...but that's what I'm going to try to figure out between now and February 29. It's a bonus day and why not use it as a milestone. And so, between no and February 29, I will do some soul,searching, do some sweating, do mindful eating....and see where and what it brings me to in 58 days.