January Musings

It's been a rough month, one that started with promise and is ending with promise. In the middle, lots of roller coasters.

Exercise -- thankfully, I've got this. I have a dog who doesn't take no for an answer. I can't be too tired or too cold or too lazy. He needs to walk. So walk we must. Typically we get in two miles every day. I've also added strength training with some DVDs. And started the Couch to 5K program. Week 3 was in the books today.

My goal of 1,000 miles for the year is off to a great start. I set a goal of 85 miles for the month. I hit just under 104 this morning.

Cooper -- Last Saturday was, would have been, whatever…it was Cooper's third birthday. I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. I was sad. What makes it hard is that I'm so close to where he lives. Or where I think he lives. Thirty miles…that's it. I'm 30 miles away from where Tekisha was last living in New Jersey. I've thought about taking a drive, but for what?  To see that she's not living there anymore? To see that she is and to see her with her daughter but not him? Or to see her and to see that she did end up keeping him? I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for, and so I won't be making the trip to Washington, NJ, no matter how many times I think about it.

Food -- I haven't seen much success on the scale even though I have worked out as much as I have. There has been a lot of mouth hunger, a lot of binges, a lot of eating my feelings. I literally have eaten 12 hershey kisses, one after the other, and would have no satisfaction of them. I would eat them so fast that I wasn't really tasting them.

My mind has been working overtime trying to figure out how to get back the strong mindset when it comes to food. And in the process, I've felt the eating disorder brain creeping back in. So I did the smart thing and met with a nutritionist.

Marge calmed my fears, gave me very attainable goals for the next two weeks and two days later, I'm feeling almost like I have a handle on it.

I'll continue with the exercise as I have been. I will weigh myself three times a week. This was a tricky one that we had to negotiate and talk about. In a study of people who have kept 30+ pounds off for five years or more, one of their reasons for success was they weighed themselves daily. I used to do that. In fact, I used to weight myself two, three, fours times a day. i don't want to go back to that. So we both felt that three times a week was doable and safe.

I'm going to try a new vegetable, which I actually did tonight for dinner. I'm not a big veggie eater and I'm not an adventurous eater, so while this doesn't sound like a challenge for most; for me, it is. I bought some cut-up butternut squash at Wegmans today. Did not have to make a huge commitment by buying a whole one and then trying to figure out how to peel it, how to cut it. It was already done for me. (thank you, Danny Wegman)

I need to learn to add more colors. My roasted veggies were carrots, butternut squash and some sweet potato slices, mixed a little bit of sweet onion. All pretty orange, but I had vegetables with my dinner.

And we talked about my vulnerable times -- mid-afternoon and after dinner. Sometimes it's the simplest things, the why didn't I think of that. And to solve this, that's exactly what happened. My snacks have not been filling enough. Why does yogurt have to be reserved for breakfast? Why can't I have a second smoothie?

I don't know why none of that occurred to me. But it makes sense. When I have been having a sugar-free pudding for my snack after dinner, when my sweet tooth hits…now I'm having a "dessert" yogurt. Tonight, it was dark chocolate raspberry Greek yogurt. Protein. Sweet. Takes care of my sweet tooth and fills me up longer. At work, I'll add a smoothie for mid-afternoon.

I started a challenge group on FB with one of my Baltimore friends. The girls in the group are great, supportive. Some, I think, will become friends outside of the group, for cure. And as we're ending our first month, they are posting their successes. And I feel like I've wasted a month. And I could let it get me down or I could let it motivate me.

I'm letting it motivate me. I want to get to the end of the month and be glad that I didn't give up, that I didn't give in, that I didn't waste another month.

Warsaw Shire

"I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me."

I'm obsessed with this quote. And the author, Warsan Shire, is so insightful and so young. This sums up the last few months with EB.

I'm going to go Google stalk her now and see what else I can find by her.

#100daysto45

I will be 45 in 100 days. My goal is to be at goal weight by then. It hasn't been that hard to get the eating back under control. I'm like a child or a dog -- I really do crave routine. And even though I've been home all week, I've managed to create a routine with healthy habits.

This week has been my soft launch for 2015, I officially start in a challenge group on Monday. It will include shakeology every day and a strength training program, something I haven't managed to keep doing successfully or consistently since I left the ladies' gym.

I kicked off day 100 with a quick 1.5 mile walk with the dog and morning yoga with a girlfriend and feeling strong.

Namaste.

PS...The TLC-marathon of "My 600-Pound Life" has also been motivational.

Better! Fit! Expression!

Inspired by one of my oldest friends, I took part in a very thought-provoking writing exercise to look back at 2014 and set the foundation for 2015. It goes beyond the recent trend of choosing three words to define your New Years resolutions. It's a look back and a loom forward. And I can say that the words I chose at the end, we're not even close to what I thought they would be if I was just to come up with three words.

Accomplishments of 2014

1. Though it technically happened in the last 14 days of 2013, it was a big deal. I bought my first house.

2. I set up the above-mentioned house in record time, so that it felt -- almost immediately -- like home

3. Even with 15-pound gain from the previous year, the triumph is in maintaining at or below a weight I never had before.

4. I adopted a rescue dog. There were times I felt completely over my head but we've come a long way together in eight months and I can't imagine life without him.

5. I learned what I want, and more importantly what I won't compromise on, in a relationship

6. I got better at using my words.

7. I was able to see Derek in his last game in Baltimore, in the park that feels like my home park

8. I've built an amazing collection of friends in my new hometown.

9. While not perfect, I've gotten better at letting go of the small stuff...whether it's with friendships, changes in plans, getting everything crossed off my to do list

10. After enjoying more than my fair share of cookies and eating out and festivities since thanksgiving, I ended the year with a three-day refresh/detox so that I can start 2015 off on the right foot.

Disappointments of 2014

1. My brother's health scare and the amount of time and pain he had to endure until he was better.

2. Not saving as much as I should have

3. And though I got better at using my words, as I mentioned above, sometimes I didn't use them soon enough. I think I could have saved a few months of fooling myself into believing I was happier than I was if I had spoken up sooner and used my words.

4. Not blogging regularly enough

5. Always feeling rushed and not being able to fit everyone into my visit when I'm in ithaca

Three things I focused a majority of my energy on

1. My house

2. Bernie

3. Thinking about being serious with a health plan, lots of starting over and over and over again

Three things I intended to do but didn't

1. Lose those 15 pounds and get back to my August 2013 goal weight

2. Start running, consistently and consecutively, again

3. Start up my Etsy shop

4. Take a sewing class

My game changers in 2014 -- unexpected outcomes that made things different for you

1. Understanding the needs of not only a rescue dog, but also a breed that requires a lot of attention and exercise

2. Going through each step, virtually, of fertility treatment with a friend, and realizing that the pain would have come from a failure not a success (huge strides in my psyche)

How do these reflections inform my intentions for 2015?

I've learned, from a lot of the experiences of the past year, that I'm strong, that I can write my own story. I don't have to be the girl with the broken uterus, rather the friend with oodles of experience and wisdom, I'm not the former fat girl who feels fat once again, but rather the former 5Ker who has once again committed to the Bucks County 5K Series, with my first race in early March. 

What are my three words for 2015?

BETTER

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. My house, while comfortable and lived in, is always in order. I have lists. I have high expectations of myself. And when I don't meet them, it throws me off. I can't enjoy the process, I want the end result that I want. And so I will continually tell myself that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be better.

FIT

As in, "fit is the new skinny." I will never be skinny, but I  ran a 5K in 33 minutes. I will do it again or better. Being healthy, making healthy choices when it comes to food, makes me feel strong, makes me remember all that I'm capable of. I have the power to say no to junk food, have the power to take the dog for an extra 10 minutes on our daily walks, I have the power to feel fit, however I want to define that.

EXPRESSION

As in, using my words, and writing it down. Journaling. Getting back to work on the book I've been working on on all my dating misadventures since being in Doylestown. Being creative, sewing more, restocking Etsy, learning new crafts.