Accountability

I hit my goal weight at the end of last summer. And for about a month, I was strong. I was good. I stayed on track.

And then I went on vacation. And then I met a boy. And then it was the holidays. And then I went on vacation again. I slipped down the hill a little at a time.

And suddenly it's seven months later and I'm not happy with my weight, not happy with my body. For too long, I've been unhappy with my weight and unhappy with my body. For about a year, I experienced something that I never had...a positive body image.

Did I sabotage myself? I don't think so. I just think that I got comfortable, that I saw that I could cheat a little here and there and it would be okay. So I cheated a little more here and there, and then suddenly the little cheat was a little cheat everyday.

And I'm trying to find my way back. I know I'm unhappy with the way clothes fit, with the way I look and feel. And yet I still find myself binging. I'm not hungry. It doesn't taste good, but then it does. I guess that's the thing with an eating disorder...it's like an addiction.

And sometimes it just clicks in my head and I'm strong and I know how to eat and I don't want the chocolate, don't want the peanut butter right from the jar, can live on one Diet Pepsi a week.

But recently it hasn't been working that way. 

And what's most frustrating is not the bag of chocolate chips in my freezer that I may open and eat in two nights, not the mid-afternoon run to 7-11 to get a Diet Pepsi...what's most frustrating is not knowing where that switch is in my head, not knowing how to get myself back to eating healthy, to being able to resist.

My friend Molly told me to give myself a break. "You're in love. (I am!) be fat and happy, it's hard to diet in a relationship."

And I will partially agree with her, but being in a relationship does not give me a pass to let go of all the hard work I did in the last year.

Today was a good day.

I'm turning to my blog for accountability. To help me lose these extra 15 pounds. To keep me motivated. To keep me honest.

I promise it won't all be about weight loss now that I'm back. I'll write about that boy too who is pretty fucking awesome.