Days Like This

They've been fewer and farther between, but I must remember that I still have days like this.

I was in a meeting, and a colleague announced that while she and her partner were not even halfway through the DSS-sponsored Foster to Adopt Classes (which I completed in 2009), they got the call that they would be getting a soon-to-be-born girl whose mother has already relinquished all rights to.

I sat there dumbfounded, with a smile plastered on my face. I congratulated her, and then walked as fast as was appropriate out of the room. It was raining, so I had to walk back to the office with my two friends. Molly held the umbrella over us and had her arm around, in her mind to keep me under the umbrella with her; in mine, to keep me from falling to my knees in tears.

That happened soon enough. I barely made it back to my office before the tears came, before I crumpled. I don't begrudge anyone. And good for this colleague and her partner and their new little baby. But how much more can I take? How much waiting? How many times can I feel passed over and still bounce back?

Most times when I've had this kind of self-pity breakdown, I've bounced back the next day. This time, it took longer. These years are wearing on me, they are taking their toll. I'm a different person, I'm becoming weary and a little worn.

Where once a good night's sleep snapped me out of it, this time, it was a couple nights.

I'm feeling very disconnected to Ethiopia. I thought one year on the waiting list would seem like a huge milestone. But the end is still so far away, it feels like I've just started the process.

I'm still waiting to finalize the domestic adoption process. I think once that happens, perhaps, I'll feel like I've taken another step forward. But once again, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo.

And perhaps that's what contributed to my little breakdown the other day. It just took me by surprise -- the strength of the pain and the staying power it had -- that I still have days like this.

The Final Six Weeks

The year-long raffle is winding down. Just six weeks left. Only two more drawings.

Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20. Click on the donate button to get your tickets online. Remember, all proceeds go directly towards my adoption costs.

Don't you want to take a chance to win one of these awesome prizes?!

May 31 drawing -- Cal Ripken Jr and Eddie Murray signed picture
June 30 drawing -- Derek Jeter signed picture

MOWYCA Update

In the weekly update from my placement agency, there was (in part) the following update:

As all of you are aware, in March MOWYCA made the announcement that they would drastically slow down their processing of adoption cases. They ultimately decided to process cases submitted prior to March at normal speed and most WHFC families in that position have received court dates and some are home. In May, however, they began processing at the slower pace announced in March.

We will likely be announcing new estimates in early June and we anticipate that the wait for children under three years old will continue to lengthen.

Twelve

I am still in the process of exploring domestic adoption and hopefully will have everything I need to make a final decision about that in the next month. I had my home study updated to reflect domestic adoption, as well as international.

Things in Ethiopia are still slow and unknown.

With that, I 'll say a very anti-climatic 12 months -- one year -- down.....

Raffle Update and Final Push

I am in the home stretch of the year-long raffle. Only two drawings left -- Cal Ripken/Eddie Murray signed photo this moth, Derek Jeter signed photo next month.

My goal going into the raffle was to raise $5,000. It seemed more than possible. Good prizes, a strong network of friends and family.

Five thousand may seem like expecting a lot, or in the grand scheme of spending $35,000+ to have a baby, it's just a drop in the bucket. Either way, with just two drawings left, I am well within reach, closing in on $3,400 this weekend.

The raffle has been fun, and also excruciatingly hard. It's hard to ask for help. As I've said before, I'm the person who would organize this for someone else. To ask for help for myself is so out of character for me. It was -- and continues to be -- a humbling experience.

I want to reach my goal. And with that, I need your help. To all who have bought a raffle ticket, ask your friends, spread the word. To those who haven't, please consider skipping the cup of Starbucks coffee and buying one ticket.

In a perfect world, I would have carried my baby to full term and would now have 20-month-old. In a perfect world, 13-year-old girls wouldn't be able to have babies, while 40-year-old women could.

This is not a perfect world. This is a world where my body is broken. This is a world where the woman at Kohl's wished me a "happy Mother's Day" this morning and I burst into tears. This is a world where it will cost me tens of thousands of dollars to have a baby.

And so help me make my world a little more perfect.

Buy a ticket. Sell a ticket.

40:48

That was my time for my first competitive 5K on Sunday. Not too shabby.

My "gym boyfriend" and I had set my time, with no running and at a pace I felt truly comfortable with, at just under 43:00 last week. So to come in under 41:00 was amazing.

Seriously when I crossed the finish line and saw the time, I wanted to cry, but there was no one there with me, so I held it together and was excited all over again 20 minutes later when the rest of my team finished.

And we did good things, in the process.

We remembered and honored Denise, my sister-in-law's sister, and all those who have bravely fought brain cancer.

And our team, in its second year, was one of 547 teams that raised $2.1 million toward finding a cure for brain cancer.

ED-DIE, ED-DIE -- May Raffle

And of course, Cal.

We're in the home stretch of the raffle, and the last two drawings are sweet! Two Hall of Famers this month, a future Hall of Famer next month. Orioles fan or not, this is a must-have for anyone who is a baseball fan.







Thank you, thank you, thank you to my friend John and his company Maroon PR for donating this. He's been in my corner since the beginning of this whole journey.

Thanks John.