Shame

"Shame is nothing more than denial of the truth."

I've been neglectful of this blog, mostly because I feel shame, ashamed, of my lack of focus. By not writing it publicly, by not sharing it, it wasn't real. My lack of focus, my continuing to think the the 80/20'rule is about eating well 20% of the time.

But no more. 

For the past two weeks, I've had more good days than bad. And the bad days were only small cheats, not full blown, out of control binges.

The success in the past two weeks was that I checked in every night with my friend (the woman who owns the gym I go to). And so rather than bother her, it'll go here. Whether anyone is reading this or not, you're my accountability.

The goal is to be between 1200 and 1400 calories, under 100 grams of carbs, under 30 grams of fat and over 120 grams of protein.

Today...1272 calories, 93 carbs, 38 fat, 141 protein.

I also need to start running again. I've been lazy. And lazy is a relevant term. I walk the dog an hour or more a day, but that's walking at, for me, a casual pace. I ran today. I wasn't fast, it wasn't long, but I ran. Quarter mile walking, quarter mile running at 4.6 mph, quarter mile walking, and then quarter mile running.

That's what I have to do. It took me less than 15 minutes. I can do that three or four times a week. It's not about the time, it's about getting back into the habit.

I committed $2,000 to be back at the ladies gym for the next year. The money was worth it two years ago, and do not go to waste. I need to be just as committed now as I was then. I'm struggling to get over the 190 hump and back in the 180s. That will be, I think, the watershed moment for me. That will open the gates. It won't be any easier, but for the last six months, my half hearted attempts have seen me swing between 192/193 upwards of 203. 

Even the first month back at the gym, I saw the scale swing up and down. Stress eating. Eating my feelings. I rationalized. I made excuses. This week I got on the scale at the gym for a loss. The second week in a row with a loss. Rather than accept the small win, I had to find the negative. After six weeks, I'm only at a net loss of two pounds.

It was shame. 

But I won't let the shame win out this time. I'm committed. The thing in my brain, that switch that keeps me going even in the face of temptation, is almost fully on.

This morning, and the past two mornings, I was at 193, one up from earlier in the week. This is the hump, the speed bump, the road block, whatever metaphor I want to call it. This is the number I need to get over (or in this case, under) and continue with strong momentum.

It can't be about shame anymore. I have to own it. And by owning it, I have to share it. It will keep me honest. And hopefully it will keep me motivated.