July goals

The week went well. Surgery was a success. I still can't open my mouth completely but I'm eating solid food again. I am disappointed that limited calorie intake on Wednesday and Thursday did not translate on the scale. But in looking at my food..well smoothies and yogurt....there was half or more of my nutrient ratio that was carb.

I'm back on track this weekend. Ran on the treadmill yesterday...intervals of .25, .5 and .6; and my usual six mile walk this morning. Food was good. I'm hoping to see something on the scale tomorrow.

I know July isn't until Wednesday just I'll just start a couple days early. 

1. Planks and squats every night. I have the numbers written on my full,length mirror with a dry erase marker.

2. 185. This morning I was up slightly to 190. I can lose five pounds in a month, even with a weekend in Richmond, a lunch in Philadelphia, a lunch in Baltimore and a house guest for 10 days. Challenges for sure, but I can work through them.

3. One consecutive mile of running. I have a 5k at the end of July after all.

Two steps forward, one set back

I was feeling invincible. I had a good weigh in at the gym, as I anticipated because my home scale has been great all weekend. I had a good sweaty work out. And then I came home to make cookies to mail to my dad for Father's Day.

I tried not to snitch at the dough. I tried to stick to one baked cookie. I tried.

The cookies are all baked and packaged up, ready to mail out tomorrow so I won't be eating anymore. And for the last hour, I've been hoping I would throw up. It was mindless eating, even when I wasn't hungry, even when I was kind of full. One cookie after the other. All in all, I probably *only* ate four or five cookies, but after limited my carbs to under 100 grams for the past three weeks, I feel like I've either over eaten considerably or I have a carb hangover, or both.

It's disappointing that I can't control myself better. I'm going to remember this feeling and hope it sustains me the next time there is temptation. Until then, here's hoping that every time the discomfort in my belly gets better and I can sleep tonight.

My workout buddy keeps me honest

After a three-mile walk in the humidity, this is what I got tas soon as we walked in the door. Complete with whining, as if he was saying, "come on momma, it's your running day, get your butt in the basement and on the treadmill."

So in the basement I went, planning to just do a mile of walk-run intervals. I did two! I didn't worry or care about my speed, I worked on my breathing and was able to run a half mile at one point! Dog walking and running totals for the weekend...16 miles. And as of this morning, I'm back in the 180s!

He kept one eye open and made sure that I worked hard.

I did.

A Cheat Day

My dear friend Carrie came to visit Thursday night. we started Friday with the six-plus miles at Peace Valley Park, did some shopping, had a relatively healthy lunch (salad) with a bit of a cheat...the yummiest homemade tortilla chips and salsa fresca.

We spent the afternoon, shopping talking, catching up, getting a pedicure. We got take out (salad and froyo for me) and relaxed. My calorie numbers were on target but carbs were over.

But I felt good about the cheat. I felt in control. Today, did a four mile walk, and have been pretty much on target. Tomorrow is my running day and Monday is weigh in day.

Tomorrow needs to be stellar!

Maine

When we were little, family vacations consisted of piling as many kids in the station wagon as humanly possible (safety was not a factor in the 70s), leaving at an ungodly hour from syrcause and heading to Maine for a week in a little cabin across the street from the beach. There were rafts at the beach we could rent, there were movies in the rec center in the camp grounds, and a play ground. I collected sea glass and could stare at the ocean for hours looking for mermaids.

We stopped going when I was about 6 or 7...I'm not sure why. Maybe the older kids outgrew family vacation time? 

I found out tonight that my four sisters are going in August with their husbands. And when I initially found out, it sounded like just one sister was going with her husband. She purposely didn't tell me the full plans because she felt bad that I would feel bad. I found out tonight that all four of them are going. "I didn't want you to feel left out."

I can't - and didn't - take it out on her. But yea, I did feel a little left out, because I am being left out of it. All four girls are going and I'm not included?  Would I have gone? As the only single person, probably not. But I'm being overly sensitive to the reason I was left out (if there is a reason at all). Is it because I'm so much younger than them. And therefore have nothing in common with them? Or is it the damn single issue again?

So that's all floating around my noodle. But I think the part that annoys me the most is that my one sister is flying all the way to the east coast from San Diego and is only going to see my other sisters. Not stopping even in Syracuse to see the rest of the family.

Ok whatever, maybe we didn't want to see you anyway. I better go to sleep before Bitter Betty takes up residency in my brain.

On another note...just under 1200 calories (and that included a few too many Hershey miniatures), a good run on the treadmill, 122 protein, 99 carb, 29 fat. Legs felt good today.

Strength

That was the lesson at the gym tonight. Courtney is back, after several weeks dealing with a very sad family medical issue. And she was back with a vengeance.

She made me plank with my hands on a medicine ball. I didn't think I could. I could.

We upped my weights....18-pound kept bell swings with squats, 80 pounds on the leg press, and when I said I couldnt squat because of my knees, she gave a me a look.

"When was the last time you tried?"

I had no answer. "You are stronger than you think, just try."

And I lunged. Didn't lose my balance, didn't go super low, but still felt my leg muscles.

1231 calories

154 protein

103 carbs

24 fat

Carbs would have been lower but I was starving after the gym and had a half of a protein bar. I think I'll be ok :)

Boo-yah

Good number on the scale...at least lower than I was last week. And back at a significant number. Significant not because it's a nice round number, not because it's in a new decade, significant because it was my first goal at the gym, it was until two years when I hit 177, the lowest weight I had ever been at.

My food was spot on today. 1256 calories, 87 carbs, 26 fat and 159 protein.

I ran a quarter of a mile three times, with a quarter mile walking recovery in between. The first one was ok, the second one felt great, I struggled with the third but did it. I took the dog for a walk and then he,med and hawed about yoga, and finally knew that the mouth hunger might get the best of me, so changed out of sweaty clothes and went to a yoga class.

I won't expect anything on the scale tomorrow (bullshit...I can say i won't, but I will). I'm just excited about my mindset, more than anything else.

The way I feel tonight...I can do anything.

Sunday

I started the day with a great walk at Peace Valley Park, six-plus miles, with a wonderful friend and Bernie. We went early but it was still hot once we got through the woods and into the sun. Thankfully we started as early as we did.

I did my Sunday food prep...cutting carrots and making five single-serve baggies with a tablespoon of hummus in little containers, rice cakes with a edge of laughing cow cheese in baggies, cantaloupe cut up and one cup in each baggie, and weighed out three ounces of turkey for my sandwiches. I, giving myself the tools...this makes it so easy to make my lunch  and snacks for the work day. And I have chicken breast cut up and in servings for dinner.

I'm actually excited to get up and weigh myself in the morning. I'm really hoping for a loss. But even if here isn't, I can't let it get me down. I have to keep the momentum.

And tomorrow, after Bernie's walk, I have a date with the treadmill to do a little running. I will add an extra quarter-mile of running. No worries about speed or time. Just run.

My numbers for the day...1247 calories, 153 protein, 89 carbs, 32 fat. Ratios were good...50%, 28%, 23%.

Shame

"Shame is nothing more than denial of the truth."

I've been neglectful of this blog, mostly because I feel shame, ashamed, of my lack of focus. By not writing it publicly, by not sharing it, it wasn't real. My lack of focus, my continuing to think the the 80/20'rule is about eating well 20% of the time.

But no more. 

For the past two weeks, I've had more good days than bad. And the bad days were only small cheats, not full blown, out of control binges.

The success in the past two weeks was that I checked in every night with my friend (the woman who owns the gym I go to). And so rather than bother her, it'll go here. Whether anyone is reading this or not, you're my accountability.

The goal is to be between 1200 and 1400 calories, under 100 grams of carbs, under 30 grams of fat and over 120 grams of protein.

Today...1272 calories, 93 carbs, 38 fat, 141 protein.

I also need to start running again. I've been lazy. And lazy is a relevant term. I walk the dog an hour or more a day, but that's walking at, for me, a casual pace. I ran today. I wasn't fast, it wasn't long, but I ran. Quarter mile walking, quarter mile running at 4.6 mph, quarter mile walking, and then quarter mile running.

That's what I have to do. It took me less than 15 minutes. I can do that three or four times a week. It's not about the time, it's about getting back into the habit.

I committed $2,000 to be back at the ladies gym for the next year. The money was worth it two years ago, and do not go to waste. I need to be just as committed now as I was then. I'm struggling to get over the 190 hump and back in the 180s. That will be, I think, the watershed moment for me. That will open the gates. It won't be any easier, but for the last six months, my half hearted attempts have seen me swing between 192/193 upwards of 203. 

Even the first month back at the gym, I saw the scale swing up and down. Stress eating. Eating my feelings. I rationalized. I made excuses. This week I got on the scale at the gym for a loss. The second week in a row with a loss. Rather than accept the small win, I had to find the negative. After six weeks, I'm only at a net loss of two pounds.

It was shame. 

But I won't let the shame win out this time. I'm committed. The thing in my brain, that switch that keeps me going even in the face of temptation, is almost fully on.

This morning, and the past two mornings, I was at 193, one up from earlier in the week. This is the hump, the speed bump, the road block, whatever metaphor I want to call it. This is the number I need to get over (or in this case, under) and continue with strong momentum.

It can't be about shame anymore. I have to own it. And by owning it, I have to share it. It will keep me honest. And hopefully it will keep me motivated.