January Musings

It's been a rough month, one that started with promise and is ending with promise. In the middle, lots of roller coasters.

Exercise -- thankfully, I've got this. I have a dog who doesn't take no for an answer. I can't be too tired or too cold or too lazy. He needs to walk. So walk we must. Typically we get in two miles every day. I've also added strength training with some DVDs. And started the Couch to 5K program. Week 3 was in the books today.

My goal of 1,000 miles for the year is off to a great start. I set a goal of 85 miles for the month. I hit just under 104 this morning.

Cooper -- Last Saturday was, would have been, whatever…it was Cooper's third birthday. I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. I was sad. What makes it hard is that I'm so close to where he lives. Or where I think he lives. Thirty miles…that's it. I'm 30 miles away from where Tekisha was last living in New Jersey. I've thought about taking a drive, but for what?  To see that she's not living there anymore? To see that she is and to see her with her daughter but not him? Or to see her and to see that she did end up keeping him? I'm not really sure what I'm hoping for, and so I won't be making the trip to Washington, NJ, no matter how many times I think about it.

Food -- I haven't seen much success on the scale even though I have worked out as much as I have. There has been a lot of mouth hunger, a lot of binges, a lot of eating my feelings. I literally have eaten 12 hershey kisses, one after the other, and would have no satisfaction of them. I would eat them so fast that I wasn't really tasting them.

My mind has been working overtime trying to figure out how to get back the strong mindset when it comes to food. And in the process, I've felt the eating disorder brain creeping back in. So I did the smart thing and met with a nutritionist.

Marge calmed my fears, gave me very attainable goals for the next two weeks and two days later, I'm feeling almost like I have a handle on it.

I'll continue with the exercise as I have been. I will weigh myself three times a week. This was a tricky one that we had to negotiate and talk about. In a study of people who have kept 30+ pounds off for five years or more, one of their reasons for success was they weighed themselves daily. I used to do that. In fact, I used to weight myself two, three, fours times a day. i don't want to go back to that. So we both felt that three times a week was doable and safe.

I'm going to try a new vegetable, which I actually did tonight for dinner. I'm not a big veggie eater and I'm not an adventurous eater, so while this doesn't sound like a challenge for most; for me, it is. I bought some cut-up butternut squash at Wegmans today. Did not have to make a huge commitment by buying a whole one and then trying to figure out how to peel it, how to cut it. It was already done for me. (thank you, Danny Wegman)

I need to learn to add more colors. My roasted veggies were carrots, butternut squash and some sweet potato slices, mixed a little bit of sweet onion. All pretty orange, but I had vegetables with my dinner.

And we talked about my vulnerable times -- mid-afternoon and after dinner. Sometimes it's the simplest things, the why didn't I think of that. And to solve this, that's exactly what happened. My snacks have not been filling enough. Why does yogurt have to be reserved for breakfast? Why can't I have a second smoothie?

I don't know why none of that occurred to me. But it makes sense. When I have been having a sugar-free pudding for my snack after dinner, when my sweet tooth hits…now I'm having a "dessert" yogurt. Tonight, it was dark chocolate raspberry Greek yogurt. Protein. Sweet. Takes care of my sweet tooth and fills me up longer. At work, I'll add a smoothie for mid-afternoon.

I started a challenge group on FB with one of my Baltimore friends. The girls in the group are great, supportive. Some, I think, will become friends outside of the group, for cure. And as we're ending our first month, they are posting their successes. And I feel like I've wasted a month. And I could let it get me down or I could let it motivate me.

I'm letting it motivate me. I want to get to the end of the month and be glad that I didn't give up, that I didn't give in, that I didn't waste another month.

Warsaw Shire

"I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me."

I'm obsessed with this quote. And the author, Warsan Shire, is so insightful and so young. This sums up the last few months with EB.

I'm going to go Google stalk her now and see what else I can find by her.

#100daysto45

I will be 45 in 100 days. My goal is to be at goal weight by then. It hasn't been that hard to get the eating back under control. I'm like a child or a dog -- I really do crave routine. And even though I've been home all week, I've managed to create a routine with healthy habits.

This week has been my soft launch for 2015, I officially start in a challenge group on Monday. It will include shakeology every day and a strength training program, something I haven't managed to keep doing successfully or consistently since I left the ladies' gym.

I kicked off day 100 with a quick 1.5 mile walk with the dog and morning yoga with a girlfriend and feeling strong.

Namaste.

PS...The TLC-marathon of "My 600-Pound Life" has also been motivational.

Better! Fit! Expression!

Inspired by one of my oldest friends, I took part in a very thought-provoking writing exercise to look back at 2014 and set the foundation for 2015. It goes beyond the recent trend of choosing three words to define your New Years resolutions. It's a look back and a loom forward. And I can say that the words I chose at the end, we're not even close to what I thought they would be if I was just to come up with three words.

Accomplishments of 2014

1. Though it technically happened in the last 14 days of 2013, it was a big deal. I bought my first house.

2. I set up the above-mentioned house in record time, so that it felt -- almost immediately -- like home

3. Even with 15-pound gain from the previous year, the triumph is in maintaining at or below a weight I never had before.

4. I adopted a rescue dog. There were times I felt completely over my head but we've come a long way together in eight months and I can't imagine life without him.

5. I learned what I want, and more importantly what I won't compromise on, in a relationship

6. I got better at using my words.

7. I was able to see Derek in his last game in Baltimore, in the park that feels like my home park

8. I've built an amazing collection of friends in my new hometown.

9. While not perfect, I've gotten better at letting go of the small stuff...whether it's with friendships, changes in plans, getting everything crossed off my to do list

10. After enjoying more than my fair share of cookies and eating out and festivities since thanksgiving, I ended the year with a three-day refresh/detox so that I can start 2015 off on the right foot.

Disappointments of 2014

1. My brother's health scare and the amount of time and pain he had to endure until he was better.

2. Not saving as much as I should have

3. And though I got better at using my words, as I mentioned above, sometimes I didn't use them soon enough. I think I could have saved a few months of fooling myself into believing I was happier than I was if I had spoken up sooner and used my words.

4. Not blogging regularly enough

5. Always feeling rushed and not being able to fit everyone into my visit when I'm in ithaca

Three things I focused a majority of my energy on

1. My house

2. Bernie

3. Thinking about being serious with a health plan, lots of starting over and over and over again

Three things I intended to do but didn't

1. Lose those 15 pounds and get back to my August 2013 goal weight

2. Start running, consistently and consecutively, again

3. Start up my Etsy shop

4. Take a sewing class

My game changers in 2014 -- unexpected outcomes that made things different for you

1. Understanding the needs of not only a rescue dog, but also a breed that requires a lot of attention and exercise

2. Going through each step, virtually, of fertility treatment with a friend, and realizing that the pain would have come from a failure not a success (huge strides in my psyche)

How do these reflections inform my intentions for 2015?

I've learned, from a lot of the experiences of the past year, that I'm strong, that I can write my own story. I don't have to be the girl with the broken uterus, rather the friend with oodles of experience and wisdom, I'm not the former fat girl who feels fat once again, but rather the former 5Ker who has once again committed to the Bucks County 5K Series, with my first race in early March. 

What are my three words for 2015?

BETTER

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. My house, while comfortable and lived in, is always in order. I have lists. I have high expectations of myself. And when I don't meet them, it throws me off. I can't enjoy the process, I want the end result that I want. And so I will continually tell myself that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be better.

FIT

As in, "fit is the new skinny." I will never be skinny, but I  ran a 5K in 33 minutes. I will do it again or better. Being healthy, making healthy choices when it comes to food, makes me feel strong, makes me remember all that I'm capable of. I have the power to say no to junk food, have the power to take the dog for an extra 10 minutes on our daily walks, I have the power to feel fit, however I want to define that.

EXPRESSION

As in, using my words, and writing it down. Journaling. Getting back to work on the book I've been working on on all my dating misadventures since being in Doylestown. Being creative, sewing more, restocking Etsy, learning new crafts.

A Letter to Myself when I'm ready to Quit

I saw a post on facebook this morning, "A Letter to My Younger Runner Self." I started to read it but wanted to write my own while I had lots of ideas in my head. That letter was from a Runner, capital R...someone who ran competitively in high school and college. It was only relevant to me in that it inspired me.

So this year, as I embark on taking my body back and kicking those 15 pounds I gained to curb, I need to remind myself that...

* I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be better.

* yes, it does take a certain amount of obsession to get/stay fit...but I need to give myself a break every once in a while.

* I don't need to be afraid of food. A cheat can simply be that, a cheat...not a binge.

* I once ran 3.2 miles in 33 minutes. Less than two years ago. And that I ran nearly two cosnecutive miles a few months ago without really training. It will be hard. Those first consecutive five minutes, consistently, day after day, will be the hardest, but I can do it. 

* I need to remember my running mantra...breathe in for two, out for one.

* I'm still healthier, even with these 15 pounds, than I've been for the majority of my life.

Over the Bridge

One of the things I can't seem to shake is enjoying the process. I look beyond the present and to the finish line. Always.

December, the holidays -- no different. I'm ready for this to be over. Ready to start healthy eating, ready to focus on me, ready to be over the family drama and just be in the 215, far far away from the 315 and the shit that usually ensues when you're one of eight.

I want my routine back. I want the temptations out away. The parties over. The damn Christmas cookies out of my house.

I want, I want, I want.

A lot of bitching for someone who is pretty lucky...relatively healthy, relatively happy, independent, strong, brave. Family, friends, a dog. I am and I have.

But when life gets like this, when I feel myself spiraling out of control, I just need to get to the other side of the bridge. I can't stand the up and down, the back and forth of a couple, good days and then three days of parties.

You would think I would just enjoy the rest of December and know in my heart and in my head that I'm back into my routine in January. But I can't.

I obsess. I think. I rationalize. I focus. I start one day with a healthy breakfast, and then eat eight cookies. I get on the treadmill and run, and then eat more cookies.

I have the best of intentions for Monday. Breakfast and lunch and snacks -- all healthy, all packed for the work day.

I don't have high hopes for the way the day will end. But maybe I'll surprise myself.

What did you learn about yourself?

Those were the words my massage therapist asked me when I told him I ran a 5K the previous week.

It was a response I didn't expect and one I haven't gotten. And one that made me think.

I've had a few experiences over the past month that could make me ask myself that question.

The Arbonne Experiment

I went two weeks with no dairy, no wheat, no gluten, no refined sugar, no artificial sweetener. It wasn't that hard. I learned to be more mindful -- again -- about what I put in my mouth. To answer hunger queues and not eat according to the clock. I ate real foods and tried to not be afraid of certain foods because they were high in fat, good fat, but fat nonetheless (like walnuts and almonds) or high in carbs (like fruit or the bad-reputationed starchy veggies).

While the whole FB challenge is going on through November, I was happy to get back to a more balanced diet after two weeks. I met with a nutritionist on Friday and put a plan in place to focus on calories in and calories out, and not so much about the protein to carb ratio. And for the most part, managed to do just that this weekend.

Ex-Boyfriend

He texted me at the beginning of the month, that he missed me. I was immediately annoyed. And hour later, he texted again that he was rereading all the cards I wrote to him and balling (sic). [Yes, it bothered me immediately that he spelled bawling wrong.]

Maybe I'm a bitch that my initial reaction was annoyance. And that my reaction didn't change 12 hours later when I finally responded to him. I learned that I don't need a boyfriend. I want one, but I don't need one. And I think in those last few months of our relationship I was afraid to end things because I didn't want to hurt him, because he was comfortable, if not boring, and there wasn't anything really wrong, just unsatisfied.

And he was the one who broke up with me, because he had too much going on in his head, as he put it. I thanked him a month later, thanked him for having the courage to end it because I hadn't realized how unhappy I had been until I was on my own again, I didn't realize how one-sided the relationship truly was, and how much he was not meeting my basic needs, even when I asked for them. A back-handed compliment, but one that I truly and sincerely meant, not as a slight, but as the truth.

And so when he texted me out of the blue, having no clue as to where I am in my life -- I could still be pining for him or I could be in another relationship -- I felt that it was unfair, that he was once again being selfish and putting his own needs ahead of mine. I texted back that I was annoyed, that he fucked up and he gave up and it's too late, that I wasn't sure of his intentions by texting me at this point but it was unfair to pull this emotional bullshit on me.

It took me a few weeks -- and some Catholic guilt -- to learn that I had come through for me on that one. That I was authentic with my feelings and expressing them. I can't do "what if" but I wonder if I had come through for myself more like that in the relationship if things would have changed. I think the only thing that would have changed was that ex-boyfriend would have gained that status much earlier than he did.

The Rocky Run

I didn't really train for it. Some interval running, but no long times on the treadmill of sustained running. I was ready to be happy with a time around 40:00, knowing that if I didn't run at all I could finish in 45:00, but also knowing that I would run some.

And so at 7:30 a.m. on a very cold November morning, I channeled Rocky running through the Philly neighborhoods and ending at the Art Museum.

I ran the first mile in a solid 10:59; I ran the second mile in 11:41. I lost some steam and walked the rest, but still finished in under 37:00.

To quote A.A. Milne in Winnie the Pooh, from all of these experiences, I learned that I'm braver than I believe, stronger than I seem and smarter than I think.

Childless

I love this.

25 Famous Women on Childlessness

"There are women who are born to be mothers, women who are born to be aunties, and women who should not be allowed within ten feet of a child."

I thought I was in the first category, but I now know that I'm in the second. And I cherish every minute of it.

"You don't have to be perfect."

I feel like I've had a lot of therapy in the past week.

I saw Terri on Thursday and then yesterday morning joined the ladies form my former gym for a walk around Peace Valley Park and walked the whole 6.2-mile loop with one of my former trainers.

Great conversation about where I am almost 18 months out of the gym. How I let ex-boyfriend sway me with his bad habits, how I used food to fill the emotional void toward the end of the relationship, and how scared I got when the scale hit 199.

And she said something very profound.

"You don't have to be perfect. You just have to do better."

I think that's where I've been living and possibly why I've seemingly been failing. I've tried too hard to be perfect. Tried too hard to lose those 15 extra pounds all at once. Threw my hands up in the air and said "fucks it" and proceeded to eat Hershey miniatures like they were m&m's.

We talked about the guilt associated with our food issues and how it's not just the physical discomfort that comes from over-eating (I've talked about the carb hangover), but the mental beatings we give ourselves. And that's when she said, "I finally figured it out, that I'm allowed to have another glass of wine or a cookie. Because I'm not perfect and I don't have to be. But tomorrow, I have to be better than I was today."

And she's right, and once I finish my detox and slowly re-introduce food back into my daily diet, I have to remember that I don't have to be perfect. I can have a couple Christmas cookies, and then the next meal, I have to be better."

Week 1 in the Books

So I've been doing the Arbonne detox for more than a week now. Since last Friday, I have not eaten any dairy, gluten or wheat, sugar (except for the occasional Altoid) or artificial sweetener.

I haven't noticed any difference on the scale, but they assure me it's coming.

I'm not really craving anything. The hardest part is trying to get enough calories in my day. And I do worry that with all of the cardio I do, that I'm not eating enough carbs. But it's only a few weeks and if it gets my head in the game, especially heading into Thanksgiving, I'm all for it.

I've been told that there's in a difference in my face. One person told me -- she can see that it's thinner, another that my coloring is better.

I feel more present and aware of what's going in my mouth. I was making a pan of lasagna for my neighbors and as I finished with the last dollop of ricotta on the last layer, had a fingerful of cheese "thisclose" to my mouth and suddenly remember, no dairy.

And I didn't feel deprived and I didn't feel sad and the world didn't stop spinning because I didn't eat something that I previously would have done so mindlessly.

I've never been a big fan of vegetables. But I'm putting spinach in my morning smoothie and having salad at least one meal a day.

Yesterday I ran a 5K. I did not really brian for it. But call it muscle memory or give some credit to a body eating real food -- I ran the first mile in under 11:00, and the second just over 11:00. I had the absolutely lowest expectations of this run, just wanting to finish in under 45:00. I finished in under 37:00.

So I move into week 2, with the promise to my Arboone challenge leader that I will not step on the scale until next Sunday. (I'm a weigh myself every day kind of girl when I'm weight-loss mode.)

I'm anxious to see and feel the changes in my body over the next week. And I know even now, that with just a .2 weight loss since starting the detox, that the benefits have been to more than numbers on the scale.