I do what I do best. I made lists. Pros and cons. To do's. Whatever to help me figure out what to do, what's the right decision.
And so after two more phones calls this week -- in addition to the Haiti representative, I spoke with two new attorneys, recommended by the placement agency. (I had asked them for more since the NH attorney has been MIA. And while I wasn't ready to write them off completely, I didn't want to waste any more time.)
An hour with one attorney, with 23 years experience, with sound bites like "stay true to yourself," "stay in tune with your attorney because this should be a partnership," and the winning statement, "I know you're going to be a mom. You may not know it, but I do because it's my job."
The next day, about 30 minutes with another attorney with less than a year's experience and no placements under her belt.
Do I really need to say which direction I'm leaning in?
In the next few weeks, I will be driving to Montclair, NJ, to meet with who I hope with be my new partner in the quest to becoming a mom. The added bonus, of course, is the Yogi Berra Museum is located in Montclair, so I will fit in a museum visit.
I'm trying not to jump ahead, trying not to get my hopes up. But I think meeting with the attorney, setting that up as soon as possible, means that I could possibly, just possibly, have the domestic adoption thing started before the end of summer.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Haiti?
To add to the thought process about domestic adoption, my cyber friend TG forwarded an email from her placement agency saying that there were more children in need of homes in Haiti than families for them. I met TG through the Ethiopia program, but given all the delays she decided to move away from Ethiopia toward Haiti, a difficult decision for her and one she did not make lightly, but one she knew in her heart was the right one as she builds her family.
The Haiti process is very different from most international countries. Once your application and home study are in, you receive a referral for your child. You then have 90 days to complete all the paperwork for the dossier and then the adoption process begins in-country. From that point, you can expect to bring your child home within 11 to 14 months. You get monthly updates and photos of your child, and can send photos and letters for the nurses to share with your child.
When I first learned about the Haiti process -- and even subsequent times when it has come up -- I was not keen on this process. You have this child, a photo you can look at, and you can't bring him home for a year. Isn't it better to just have the abstract notion of a child for the long wait? Isn't it torture to have this child matched with you and not be able to do anything?
But as TG shared the photo from her referral of her son, and then another on his first birthday, I started to look at things differently.
Let's say all things moves forward with Ethiopia as I had anticipated, and a year from now, I am matched with a 15-month-old. There's the wait for court, and then I fly over, meet him and fly home. And then six or so weeks later, I go back for Embassy and bring him home. He's probably closing in on 20 months or so by now. And I have this baby, nearly two, and until the moment of referral, I knew nothing about him, only what's in his file.
On the flip side, in the next few months, let's say I am matched with a 9-month-old from Haiti (I would be able to request 0-12 months at referral). And for the next year, I receive monthly updates and photos. I know who is caring for him. I know they are telling him about me and showing my picture. I even get to go visit him as often as I am able to afford. And then a year or so later, I get to bring a 20-month-old home.
And even though I wasn't caring for him, I know his story. I know when he took his first steps, and got his first tooth. I have those things to tell him, to share with him, to document for him.
There is no perfect solution. No perfect answer. There will be heartache in waiting and angst as I move forward. No matter what. Ethiopia. United States. Haiti.
Waiting. Wondering. Hoping for a quicker outcome. Doing all I can, which I will always think is not enough.
The Haiti process is very different from most international countries. Once your application and home study are in, you receive a referral for your child. You then have 90 days to complete all the paperwork for the dossier and then the adoption process begins in-country. From that point, you can expect to bring your child home within 11 to 14 months. You get monthly updates and photos of your child, and can send photos and letters for the nurses to share with your child.
When I first learned about the Haiti process -- and even subsequent times when it has come up -- I was not keen on this process. You have this child, a photo you can look at, and you can't bring him home for a year. Isn't it better to just have the abstract notion of a child for the long wait? Isn't it torture to have this child matched with you and not be able to do anything?
But as TG shared the photo from her referral of her son, and then another on his first birthday, I started to look at things differently.
Let's say all things moves forward with Ethiopia as I had anticipated, and a year from now, I am matched with a 15-month-old. There's the wait for court, and then I fly over, meet him and fly home. And then six or so weeks later, I go back for Embassy and bring him home. He's probably closing in on 20 months or so by now. And I have this baby, nearly two, and until the moment of referral, I knew nothing about him, only what's in his file.
On the flip side, in the next few months, let's say I am matched with a 9-month-old from Haiti (I would be able to request 0-12 months at referral). And for the next year, I receive monthly updates and photos. I know who is caring for him. I know they are telling him about me and showing my picture. I even get to go visit him as often as I am able to afford. And then a year or so later, I get to bring a 20-month-old home.
And even though I wasn't caring for him, I know his story. I know when he took his first steps, and got his first tooth. I have those things to tell him, to share with him, to document for him.
There is no perfect solution. No perfect answer. There will be heartache in waiting and angst as I move forward. No matter what. Ethiopia. United States. Haiti.
Waiting. Wondering. Hoping for a quicker outcome. Doing all I can, which I will always think is not enough.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Another Good Sweat
I've had very little to update on the adoption front. I've still not had a call rescheduled with the NH attorney. I had such a positive feeling about them -- especially after the reference checks -- that I hesitate in writing them off just yet. But I reached out the my placement agency the other day to let them know about the situation and ask if they had other referrals for a domestic adoption attorney.
They gave me two names of women in NYC and also said they would follow with NH. It's in their best interest, I supposed, since they were the initial referral to me.
After emailing them today, I heard back from both and I now have two calls scheduled within the next week with the NYC attorneys, one of whom is from Rochester and went to Syracuse University. It's sappy and probably silly, but I liked the fact that this New York City-ite will understand that "upstate New York" is not Westchester, that there is a whole big state above Rockland County.
So I will update you on my work-out tonight. And the ever-frustrating plateau between the 25- and 28-pound mark. At least the scale was going in the right direction today, but I'd like that to happen several weeks in a row. This up and down shit is for the birds.
The past few nights have been gorgeous here, so instead of the campus fitness center, I've been going up to the track. Two-and-a-half miles last night, three tonight -- both nights I ran all the stairs on the bleachers, on both sides.
My reward? Besides a really good sweat, and hopefully a really good night's sleep, this amazing view of the baseball field and Cayuga Lake
They gave me two names of women in NYC and also said they would follow with NH. It's in their best interest, I supposed, since they were the initial referral to me.
After emailing them today, I heard back from both and I now have two calls scheduled within the next week with the NYC attorneys, one of whom is from Rochester and went to Syracuse University. It's sappy and probably silly, but I liked the fact that this New York City-ite will understand that "upstate New York" is not Westchester, that there is a whole big state above Rockland County.
So I will update you on my work-out tonight. And the ever-frustrating plateau between the 25- and 28-pound mark. At least the scale was going in the right direction today, but I'd like that to happen several weeks in a row. This up and down shit is for the birds.
The past few nights have been gorgeous here, so instead of the campus fitness center, I've been going up to the track. Two-and-a-half miles last night, three tonight -- both nights I ran all the stairs on the bleachers, on both sides.
My reward? Besides a really good sweat, and hopefully a really good night's sleep, this amazing view of the baseball field and Cayuga Lake
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Good Sweat
I've been awake sine 3am. Watched "Family Guy" on Cartoon Network once I realized I wasn't falling back to sleep anytime soon. Tossed and turned. Closed my eyes and listened, having seen every episode so many times that I didn't need to pay attention, I could fall asleep.
My mind had other ideas. It rattled around and couldn't be quieted.
At 4am, I put my glasses on and watched an episode of "Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes." At 5am, I turned over to ESPN2 and watched highlights from last night's basketball game. I took a nap about 5:30, only to be woken up at 6am by my alarm.
I was exhausted all day. But I dragged myself to the gym, and am so glad I did. Seventy minutes later, covered in sweat, I had new energy.
I have to remember -- or at least remind myself -- that when I'm feeling over-whelmed, or discouraged, or disconnected, or just plain like giving up, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I don't want to, there is nothing like a good sweat at the gym.
My mind had other ideas. It rattled around and couldn't be quieted.
At 4am, I put my glasses on and watched an episode of "Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes." At 5am, I turned over to ESPN2 and watched highlights from last night's basketball game. I took a nap about 5:30, only to be woken up at 6am by my alarm.
I was exhausted all day. But I dragged myself to the gym, and am so glad I did. Seventy minutes later, covered in sweat, I had new energy.
I have to remember -- or at least remind myself -- that when I'm feeling over-whelmed, or discouraged, or disconnected, or just plain like giving up, no matter how tired I am, no matter how much I don't want to, there is nothing like a good sweat at the gym.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Derek Jeter -- clap clap, clap clap clap
The last drawing in the year-long raffle -- a signed and framed photo of New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.
What can I say? I love him. And in all my work dealings in Baltimore with professional athletes, I never met him. It was a smart decision.
In 2008, when Bubbles and I went to Yankee Stadium in the final year, we got pretty close to the field and he ran out of the dug-out. She took one look at me and said, "oh yea, good thing you never met him. You'd be all sorts of stupid."
And so, even without ever meeting him, here's to the Captain helping in the last push of the raffle. You know the drill by now....$5/ticket or 5 for $20. Use the donate button.
- 5 World Championships
- Rookie of the Year
- World Series MVP
- All-Star Game MVP
- 11 All-Star Game appearances
- Most hits in (old) Yankee Stadium
- 5th all-time batting average in Yankees history
- and about to be the first Yankee with 3,000 hits
What can I say? I love him. And in all my work dealings in Baltimore with professional athletes, I never met him. It was a smart decision.
In 2008, when Bubbles and I went to Yankee Stadium in the final year, we got pretty close to the field and he ran out of the dug-out. She took one look at me and said, "oh yea, good thing you never met him. You'd be all sorts of stupid."
And so, even without ever meeting him, here's to the Captain helping in the last push of the raffle. You know the drill by now....$5/ticket or 5 for $20. Use the donate button.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Days Like This
They've been fewer and farther between, but I must remember that I still have days like this.
I was in a meeting, and a colleague announced that while she and her partner were not even halfway through the DSS-sponsored Foster to Adopt Classes (which I completed in 2009), they got the call that they would be getting a soon-to-be-born girl whose mother has already relinquished all rights to.
I sat there dumbfounded, with a smile plastered on my face. I congratulated her, and then walked as fast as was appropriate out of the room. It was raining, so I had to walk back to the office with my two friends. Molly held the umbrella over us and had her arm around, in her mind to keep me under the umbrella with her; in mine, to keep me from falling to my knees in tears.
That happened soon enough. I barely made it back to my office before the tears came, before I crumpled. I don't begrudge anyone. And good for this colleague and her partner and their new little baby. But how much more can I take? How much waiting? How many times can I feel passed over and still bounce back?
Most times when I've had this kind of self-pity breakdown, I've bounced back the next day. This time, it took longer. These years are wearing on me, they are taking their toll. I'm a different person, I'm becoming weary and a little worn.
Where once a good night's sleep snapped me out of it, this time, it was a couple nights.
I'm feeling very disconnected to Ethiopia. I thought one year on the waiting list would seem like a huge milestone. But the end is still so far away, it feels like I've just started the process.
I'm still waiting to finalize the domestic adoption process. I think once that happens, perhaps, I'll feel like I've taken another step forward. But once again, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo.
And perhaps that's what contributed to my little breakdown the other day. It just took me by surprise -- the strength of the pain and the staying power it had -- that I still have days like this.
I was in a meeting, and a colleague announced that while she and her partner were not even halfway through the DSS-sponsored Foster to Adopt Classes (which I completed in 2009), they got the call that they would be getting a soon-to-be-born girl whose mother has already relinquished all rights to.
I sat there dumbfounded, with a smile plastered on my face. I congratulated her, and then walked as fast as was appropriate out of the room. It was raining, so I had to walk back to the office with my two friends. Molly held the umbrella over us and had her arm around, in her mind to keep me under the umbrella with her; in mine, to keep me from falling to my knees in tears.
That happened soon enough. I barely made it back to my office before the tears came, before I crumpled. I don't begrudge anyone. And good for this colleague and her partner and their new little baby. But how much more can I take? How much waiting? How many times can I feel passed over and still bounce back?
Most times when I've had this kind of self-pity breakdown, I've bounced back the next day. This time, it took longer. These years are wearing on me, they are taking their toll. I'm a different person, I'm becoming weary and a little worn.
Where once a good night's sleep snapped me out of it, this time, it was a couple nights.
I'm feeling very disconnected to Ethiopia. I thought one year on the waiting list would seem like a huge milestone. But the end is still so far away, it feels like I've just started the process.
I'm still waiting to finalize the domestic adoption process. I think once that happens, perhaps, I'll feel like I've taken another step forward. But once again, I'm feeling like I'm in limbo.
And perhaps that's what contributed to my little breakdown the other day. It just took me by surprise -- the strength of the pain and the staying power it had -- that I still have days like this.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Final Six Weeks
The year-long raffle is winding down. Just six weeks left. Only two more drawings.
Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20. Click on the donate button to get your tickets online. Remember, all proceeds go directly towards my adoption costs.
Don't you want to take a chance to win one of these awesome prizes?!
May 31 drawing -- Cal Ripken Jr and Eddie Murray signed picture
June 30 drawing -- Derek Jeter signed picture
Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20. Click on the donate button to get your tickets online. Remember, all proceeds go directly towards my adoption costs.
Don't you want to take a chance to win one of these awesome prizes?!
May 31 drawing -- Cal Ripken Jr and Eddie Murray signed picture
June 30 drawing -- Derek Jeter signed picture
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
MOWYCA Update
In the weekly update from my placement agency, there was (in part) the following update:
As all of you are aware, in March MOWYCA made the announcement that they would drastically slow down their processing of adoption cases. They ultimately decided to process cases submitted prior to March at normal speed and most WHFC families in that position have received court dates and some are home. In May, however, they began processing at the slower pace announced in March.
We will likely be announcing new estimates in early June and we anticipate that the wait for children under three years old will continue to lengthen.
As all of you are aware, in March MOWYCA made the announcement that they would drastically slow down their processing of adoption cases. They ultimately decided to process cases submitted prior to March at normal speed and most WHFC families in that position have received court dates and some are home. In May, however, they began processing at the slower pace announced in March.
We will likely be announcing new estimates in early June and we anticipate that the wait for children under three years old will continue to lengthen.
Twelve
I am still in the process of exploring domestic adoption and hopefully will have everything I need to make a final decision about that in the next month. I had my home study updated to reflect domestic adoption, as well as international.
Things in Ethiopia are still slow and unknown.
With that, I 'll say a very anti-climatic 12 months -- one year -- down.....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Raffle Update and Final Push
I am in the home stretch of the year-long raffle. Only two drawings left -- Cal Ripken/Eddie Murray signed photo this moth, Derek Jeter signed photo next month.
My goal going into the raffle was to raise $5,000. It seemed more than possible. Good prizes, a strong network of friends and family.
Five thousand may seem like expecting a lot, or in the grand scheme of spending $35,000+ to have a baby, it's just a drop in the bucket. Either way, with just two drawings left, I am well within reach, closing in on $3,400 this weekend.
The raffle has been fun, and also excruciatingly hard. It's hard to ask for help. As I've said before, I'm the person who would organize this for someone else. To ask for help for myself is so out of character for me. It was -- and continues to be -- a humbling experience.
I want to reach my goal. And with that, I need your help. To all who have bought a raffle ticket, ask your friends, spread the word. To those who haven't, please consider skipping the cup of Starbucks coffee and buying one ticket.
In a perfect world, I would have carried my baby to full term and would now have 20-month-old. In a perfect world, 13-year-old girls wouldn't be able to have babies, while 40-year-old women could.
This is not a perfect world. This is a world where my body is broken. This is a world where the woman at Kohl's wished me a "happy Mother's Day" this morning and I burst into tears. This is a world where it will cost me tens of thousands of dollars to have a baby.
And so help me make my world a little more perfect.
Buy a ticket. Sell a ticket.
My goal going into the raffle was to raise $5,000. It seemed more than possible. Good prizes, a strong network of friends and family.
Five thousand may seem like expecting a lot, or in the grand scheme of spending $35,000+ to have a baby, it's just a drop in the bucket. Either way, with just two drawings left, I am well within reach, closing in on $3,400 this weekend.
The raffle has been fun, and also excruciatingly hard. It's hard to ask for help. As I've said before, I'm the person who would organize this for someone else. To ask for help for myself is so out of character for me. It was -- and continues to be -- a humbling experience.
I want to reach my goal. And with that, I need your help. To all who have bought a raffle ticket, ask your friends, spread the word. To those who haven't, please consider skipping the cup of Starbucks coffee and buying one ticket.
In a perfect world, I would have carried my baby to full term and would now have 20-month-old. In a perfect world, 13-year-old girls wouldn't be able to have babies, while 40-year-old women could.
This is not a perfect world. This is a world where my body is broken. This is a world where the woman at Kohl's wished me a "happy Mother's Day" this morning and I burst into tears. This is a world where it will cost me tens of thousands of dollars to have a baby.
And so help me make my world a little more perfect.
Buy a ticket. Sell a ticket.
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